


To Stay By Her Side

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bullying, Depression, F/F, Lesbian, M/M, Overdose, Suicide, shingeki no kyojin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-01
Updated: 2013-10-15
Packaged: 2017-12-28 03:59:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/987399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The petite blonde remembered the very first time she saw the freckled face. She had been  laying on her bed pretending to read one of the books that her brother, Reiner, had brought home too make herself seem more “grown up” when she heard a voice coming from outside her open window. After that there wasn't really time that Ymir hadn't been there for Christa."</p><p>Trigger Warning: Suicide</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Before

**Author's Note:**

> At the beginning of this year, my mother tried committing suicide twice. I haven't really dealt with it but I was told that writing about my experience would be therapeutic. This is based on my own personal experience so I do apologize if anybody is out of character. But I just really needed to write this.

The petite blonde remembered the very first time she saw the freckled face. She had been laying on her bed pretending to read one of the books that her brother, Reiner, had brought home too make herself seem more “grown up” when she heard a voice coming from outside her open window.

“Hey, Blondie!”

Christa stood up with the book in her hand and approached the window. At her window she looked over to the house adjacent to hers and saw that a window level with her second story room was open with a girl her age smirking at her. Christa had remembered that her parents had been talking about new neighbors moving in next door but she hadn't even imagined that someone the same age as her would be coming too.

“Hello,” Christa said shyly. 

“How old are you?” The girl asked.

“Five. I start school this year,” The blonde answered.

“What do you know, so do I. Maybe we'll be in the same class.” The freckled girl grinned at her before turning her attention to the book in Christa's hand, “Why do you have that?”

She glanced down before returning her attention to the freckled girl. 

“I was reading it.”

“Liar. You can't read,” She scoffed.

“I can too!” Christa lied. For some reason, she felt a need to impress this girl and she didn't want to look stupid in front of her.

“Prove it,” She challenged.

Christa defiantly raised the book up and opened up to the first page but nothing on the page made any sense. There was a picture of four children eating bread at the top and the only words that Christa could make sense of were “in”, “one”, and “no”. She stood there for a good five minutes before the other girl laughed. Mortified and angry, Christa raised her eyes to glare at her.

“I can't read either so you don't need to be so embarrassed,” She said, “My name's Ymir. What's yours?”

“Christa,” She answered, lowering the book once more.

“Christa,” Ymir echoed, “I like it. I like you. We are going to be great friends.”

Christa felt warmed by this statement and she nodded and smiled.

After that there wasn't really time that Ymir hadn't been there for Christa. 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Christa wasn't really sure when her feeling for Ymir started to develop into something more than friendship. 

Maybe it was when Ymir always teamed up with her in gym class in elementary school. Maybe it was when she stayed inside with Christa all summer when they were ten after Christa broke her leg. Maybe it was when Ymir opened up to her and told her that her parents were hardly ever home and she had to take care of herself. Maybe it was one of the countless times in middle school that Ymir defended her against bullies who made fun of Christa for her horrible fashions sense (that she later grew out of), braces, and too pale of skin.

But by the time they reached high school, Christa knew that she had deeper feelings for Ymir than just ordinary friendship. Ymir had always flirted and joked with her but Christa was never sure if Ymir felt the same as she did or if that was just the way she showed affection. Looking back on things, Christa always supposed she should have told Ymir how she felt once she figured it out.

Ymir, in Christa's honest opinion, had the worst sort of personality. She was self-centered, stubborn, blunt, and somewhat cruel. She never really seemed to value anybody's feelings besides her own and Christa's. She didn't really care for Christa's friends but she did seem get along somewhat with Connie and Sasha, even if she did call him a idiot every time they saw each other and claimed that Sasha owed her for one thing or another.

Nevertheless, Ymir was always Christa's rock and the strongest person that she knew. 

But somewhere into their second year of high school, something started changing in Ymir. It was subtle at first so Christa hadn't even noticed. But around Winter break, Christa saw that Ymir was getting more agitated and protective of Christa while at the same time, more cold and distant. Christa decided to confront her.

“Ymir, is everything alright?” Christa asked one night as they sat on the couch watching a movie, Christa's legs stretching out over Ymir's lap.

Ymir look startled for a moment before composing her face and answering without taking her eyes from the TV.

“Yeah, I'm fine.”

It was obvious that she wanted to dismiss it but Christa knew her well enough to know something was bothering her.

“Ymir, what is it?” She persisted.

Ymir sighed and turned to look at her.

“People...are noticing you. And they're also noticing me,” She admitted quietly. Christa almost laughed because it was apparent that she meant boys. Ymir wasn't the kindest person but she was more than positive that Ymir had some guys interested in her. Christa always had guys asking her out but she wasn't interested. And while it hurt knowing that Ymir was starting to notice guys, Christa decided to be supportive.

“Is that a bad thing?” Christa asked. Ymir opened her mouth only to close it. She looked down before asking her next question.

“Christa, what do you think of me?”

Christa felt her throat go dry. Ymir looked at her earnestly and Christa knew this could be a good moment to tell the freckled girl she had known all these years how she felt. But...in the end she supposed she was a coward.

“I think that you are selfish and a bit insensitive sometimes but you're gorgeous and any guy who is lucky enough to date you. I know that you are a good person and would do anything for those you care about and I'm glad to have a friend like you.”

Ymir seemed to be shocked and could only stare at Christa for a long moment before grinning at her and turning back to the movie.

“Selfish and insensitive, huh? You probably got that right, Blondie,” She laughed. But her laughter seemed off from it's usual joyful carelessness. 

The rest of the year passed and Christa could tell that Ymir was getting more and more disheartened, but about what, she couldn't tell. She started getting into fights and getting sent to the Principal's Office. She also started hanging out with Christa even less.

That summer was one of the best summers that Christa could remember. Reiner brought home his boyfriend from college, a tall boy named Bertholdt, along with a shorter girl named Annie. Ymir came over to the house often and her and Annie seemed to get along marginally well. That summer, they all decided that mid-July they would all take Reiner's and Christa's parents car and drive up to Niagra Falls. While they had all had fun and had gotten tons of pictures, Christa had gotten grounded for the rest of the summer as well as, much to his dismay, Reiner. 

It was one of the last times Christa had seen Ymir smile and laugh.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Their Junior year started and Christa was just as popular as ever. Despite this, she mostly hung out with Connie, Sasha, Eren, Jean as well as a few others. Christa tried to include Ymir with them but she got increasingly more anti-social to the point where others were noticing.

At the beginning of November, they started asking questions.

“Hey, is Ymir alright?” Jean asked one night as they ate dinner after seeing a movie, “She never hangs out with us anymore.”

Christa felt her heart drop as she realized that it wasn't just her perspective anymore.

“I-I don't know,” She mumbled, “She won't tell me anything anymore.”

Armin placed his hand over hers. “I'm sure she will tell you something soon. You two are really close. She's just having a rough time, that's all. You just need to be there for her.”

“A rough time? The girl that gets in fights more than Eren and Jean does?” Sasha asked.

“There's a reason she gets in fights,” Connie said, “She may act tough but everything she does is usually for Christa.”

Christa blushed at that but kept their words in her mind.

_She's just having a rough time, that's all._

She decided to ask Ymir if she was okay for the upteenth time. She tried to call and text her but Ymir didn't pick up the phone and she didn't seem to be home. Christa considered using the key that Ymir had given her years ago but decided that was too much of an invasion of her privacy.

The next Monday, Christa managed to catch up to Ymir in the hallway on their way to lunch and that was the first time that the blonde caught a glimpse of what her best friend had been going through.

“Hey, Ymir!” She said in an upbeat tone.

“Hey, how's my girl?” Ymir said as she put her arm around Christa. She said the words but Christa could tell her heart wasn't into it.

“You wouldn't answer your phone this weekend. I was worried.”

“Oh, yeah. My phone died and I'm waiting for a new one,” Ymir answered bashfully, “I should have told you.”

“Yeah, you should have,” She responded, “Everyone missed you on Friday. You should come this week.”

“Eh, well maybe...”

Christa was about to reply to her when a group of guys that they had been walking past decided to raise their voices.

“Hey, there's the carpetmuncher and her wannabe girlfriend.”

Ymir stopped and immediately withdrew her arm from Christa's shoulder before turning around to face the boys.

“What did you say?” Ymir hissed. Christa put a hand on her arm to try and calm her down but Ymir shook it off.

“Aw, look, the dyke is getting defensive of the clitty licker. How disgusting,” One of them laughed and Christa was mortified. Never in her life had she considered that someone might look down upon her for having feelings for Ymir and she didn't even know that people saw them as a couple. It suddenly occurred to Christa that this was part of the reason that she had been so distant. While most people were too afraid to say anything mean to a small, cute girl like Christa, saying it to a seemingly strong person seemed to have no consequences or residue of guilt.

“Ymir...”

Ymir launched herself at the boys, kicking and punching. The boys seemed to have been ready for her though as they defended themselves and even threw a few punches of their own. A sickening crunch came from her nose as one of their fists connected with it.

“Stop! Ymir! Guys! Please stop!” Christa screamed and more people crowded into the hallway. 

“Look, the homo is getting into another fight.” Someone muttered and Christa started to feel tears wetting her eyes.

“Shut up,” She cried, “Just stop!”

A couple teachers burst through the crowd that had formed and tore the fighting students away from each other. Ymir's nose was bloody but the other boys hadn't gone undamaged either. 

“Say that again you bastard!” Ymir screamed as she was held back by a Miss Hanji.

“I'll say it a thousand times to you two faggots!” The other boy yelled back at her, “Rot in Hell!”

“That's enough!” The stern voice Vice Principal Rivaille came as he stepped through the crowd. Everyone stilled as he approached the scene.

“All of you will get cleaned up at the nurses office and then head directly to the office. Principal Smith and I do not tolerate this behavior in this school.”

He turned to the rest of the mob of students.

“All of you get to your classes. Don't you have better things to do?” 

At that, the crowd dissipated quickly until Christa was the only one left with those who were in the fight.

“You too, Miss Lenz,” Rivaille said quietly. Christa hesitated, looking at Ymir, but when she didn't look up, Christa nodded and made her way to lunch.

After school that day, Christa waited for Ymir on the front steps of her house. Ymir didn't come home until after six. She had a bandaged nose and was holding a bottle of pain medicine. She had been to the hospital.

She hesitated when she saw Christa on the steps.

“What?”

Christa stood and approached her. She raised her hand to Ymir's face to touch it gently.

“Are you okay?”

There was a still moment where Christa could see several emotions pass through Ymir's face before her face set into a cold and harsh expression. She smacked Christa's hand away.

“Stay away from me.”

Christa's eyes widened in shock. “What?”

“Stay away from me. It's because we are together all the time that this happens to me.”

Christa couldn't stop her disbelief and hurt from her voice. 

“Ymir, I-”

“Save it. Without you around this might stop happening to me. So stay the fuck away.”

Ymir hitched up her backpack and stepped around Christa and up the steps. Christa didn't turn around as she heard her best friend unlock the door and enter the house before closing the door.

Christa didn't know how long she stood there before she numbly made her way back to her house and into her room before promptly bursting into tears as the knowledge that the girl she loved had completely cut ties with her.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Ymir and the boys she had fought with had been suspended for a month. Eren and the others were there to sympathize with Christa and frequently asked about Ymir. Christa didn't have the courage to tell them that Ymir wanted nothing to do with her anymore. Only Armin seemed to understand the situation and he always gave Christa a pat on the hand or back whenever Ymir was mentioned.

Christa tried to contact Ymir several times but she was only ignored. Christa even went as far as calling her brother at college to ask for advice but he was just as clueless as Christa was.

When Ymir came back to school in December, it was only a couple weeks until Winter break and Christa realized that this was the first break that she would be spending without Ymir. Everyday with that knowledge became increasingly heavier as she sank into sadness that even her friends couldn't cheer her up from.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Winter break started and Christa did hang out with her friends. She kept texting Ymir in the morning when she woke up and in the evening before she slept. 

Reiner and Bertholdt came home once more from college, with Annie in tow once more. They must have heard about the trouble with Ymir from Reiner because neither of them asked about her.

Christmas passed and it was a joy filled holiday. Christa got Ymir a hoodie that she had been wanting for a long time, hoping that Ymir hadn't already gotten it. When Ymir didn't answer the door, Christa left it on the doorstep and when she later looked, it wasn't there anymore.

A couple days before New Year's, Christa's parents decided to go on a two day trip to visit some relatives. Reiner decided to stay with his guests and Christa didn't particularly feel like going so they had the house to themselves. Reiner, Bertholdt, and Annie took this opportunity to break out the alcohol. Christa didn't really feel like drinking so she decided to go to bed early. 

Christa sent Ymir the usual goodnight text, knowing that she wouldn't respond before going to bed. However, when Annie stumbled into the room at three in the morning, Christa woke up and saw that the light signifying a new message on her phone was blinking. Sleepily, she unlocked her phone and saw with surprise and excitement that Ymir had finally texted back two hours previously. However, as she read the text, she could feel her stomach clench.

_Christa,_

_I'm sorry about what I said. It isn't your fault that things turned out_  
 _the way they did. I've loved you since I saw you trying to read that_  
 _ridiculous book. I've always wanted to be by your side but I realize_  
 _now that it's impossible without you being caught up in a bunch of_  
 _shit. It's not your fault. Always remember that, okay? Even until_  
 _the end, you are the one I love the most. Remember that even though_  
 _I've lost this fight, alright? You made these years worth living._

_Ymir_

Christa flung the blankets off and grabbed Ymir's house keys before running down the stairs. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she couldn't hear correctly. She couldn't breathe.

She ran past a drunk Reiner and Bertholdt making out on the couch and screamed, “Call an ambulance!” before running out the front door. She was vaguely aware of tears streaming down her face as she ran next door and unlocked the door with shaky hands.

_Too long. This is taking too long._

She got the door open and ran upstairs. She tripped over the last few stairs and banged her shin but she barely noticed the pain as she rounded the corner to Ymir's room and burst through. The light was already on and Christa was met with the grisly sight of Ymir laying in her bed with an empty pain pill bottle on the floor.

Christa heard someone screaming as she got on the bed and tried to shake Ymir awake. Tears were clouding her vision and she could not breathe.

“Ymir! Wake up!” She yelled, “Fucking wake up! Please!”

She didn't know how long she shook Ymir before she heard Reiner behind her on the phone. Bertholdt was right behind him.

“Oh, God. It looks like she tried to commit suicide,” He said into the phone before giving the address. He paused a moment before asking, “Christa is she breathing?”

Christa clutched Ymir to her and sobbed, not really sure what her brother was saying.

“Christa! Is she breathing?”

Christa still couldn't answer so Reiner moved over to Ymir but then Christa panicked.

“Don't touch her! Don't fucking touch her!” Christa screamed at him, “Leave her alone!”

“Shit. Bert, get her out of here,” Reiner said to the tall boy.

Bertholdt nodded and pried Christa away from the body on the bed as Christa screeched hysterically and carried her down the stairs.

“Let me go, you bastard!” 

“Christa-”

“No, Ymir! Ymir needs me! She's going to-going to-”

“Christa, your brother is helping her right now,” Bertholdt said soothingly as he placed her on the couch and knelt in front of her.

Christa looked at him. Air wasn't coming in or out and her brain was fuzzy. Her ears were still ringing and she couldn't get her heart to stop pounding.

“I-I love her,” Christa whispered brokenly.

“I know,” Bertholdt said quietly and he hugged her. Christa clung onto him and sobbed all the while Bertholdt tried soothing her. 

Eventually the EMTs showed up and Bertholdt let go.

“I'll be right back okay?”

When Christa nodded, he took off his hoodie and placed it around her shoulders before going back upstairs. Christa shivered as she realized just how cold it was and how numb her feet had gotten. She could hear noises upstairs and tried not to focus on what was happening. She should be with her. She should go to Ymir but she couldn't move her legs.

After an eternity had passed, the EMTs brought Ymir down in a stretcher with an oxygen mask. Christa finally managed to get up and followed them out as they brought her out into the cold and put her in the back of the ambulance. Without thinking, Christa tried getting into the ambulance with her before one of the EMTs stopped her.

“Ma'am, I'm going to need you-”

“Please,” Christa said desperately. The man looked at her before nodding and letting her in. Just before the doors were closed, Reiner appeared into view.

“We'll meet you at the hospital!” Then the doors were closed and the van started moving.

As they sped along with the siren's blaring, Christa reached out a hand and took Ymir's limp hand. There was another EMT, a woman, in the back with her.

“Is she going to be alright?” Christa croaked.

“It's hard to know until we get to the hospital. We are going to have to do some blood work and get her in stable condition but right now...well she took a whole bottle of pain medicine as well as over the counter sleeping pills. We've managed to pump her stomach but...”

She didn't finish. With that, Christa laid her head down on the stretcher and let dry sobs wrack her body.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

She wasn't allowed to go with Ymir into Emergency Care and had to sit in the Waiting Room. It was around eight in the morning before Reiner came into the Waiting Room as well. He sat down next his sister and put an arm around her and placed slippers in her lap. She numbly put them on and then leaned against him.

After a while, she asked, “Where's Bertholdt?”

“He stayed at the house. He figured it might be better that way.”

She nodded but didn't say anything else.

“I see you're wearing his hoodie. Should I be jealous?”

She didn't want to, but before she could stop it, a laugh bubbled out of her. Reiner smiled a little, relieved that he managed to make her feel better, if only for a moment.

“Maybe. I do have a thing for dark-haired and tall.”

Reiner let out a short laugh and mussed her hair.

“She'll be okay, you know?”

Christa stayed silent.

A few minutes later, a wise-looking doctor came over to them.

“Are you family of Ymir Goldhull?” He asked them.

“For the most part,” Reiner answered, “Her family is out of town but this is her girfriend and I'm her older brother.”

Christa didn't correct him about the girlfriend thing but the doctor just nodded.

“Well, before you two see her, there are some things I would like to discuss,” He said, motioning for them to follow him. The two siblings stood up and followed him to a small room.

Most of what was said went over Christa's head but it was mostly discussing what was going on with Ymir's body and options after she recovered physically.

“We have her in stable condition but the side effects of the drugs will be hard to predict. We have put some...”anti-drugs” so to speak in her system to flush out the medicine she took and that will cause her to be irritable and grumpy when she wakes up.”

“When will she wake up?” Christa asked.

“It depends. It could be a day; it could be a week. Not more than that, though.”

He talked for a few more minutes but Christa just wanted to see Ymir.

Eventually, he led them out of the room and through the ward until they reached Ymir's room in Intensive Care. She was propped up and hooked to many machines and an oxygen mask. The bed was a single bed and was raised up high unlike the ones in the movies. There were bars on either side of the high bed making it impossible for Christa to climb into the bed like she wanted to. Just as she thought this, Reiner lifted her up and placed her beside Ymir. Christa, worn out with crying and emotional trauma, was too tired to object.

A nurse saw what Reiner had done and started to say something, but one look at him and she swallowed her words.

Reiner stroked Christa's hair until, between exhaustion, the comfort of her brother, and the beeping of the machines, she fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we go. I think there is only going to be two chapters to this. Sorry if it sucks. This is the first time I've written anything this personal.


	2. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of someone else's mistake is sometimes has more consequences than the aftermath of your own mistakes.

Ymir didn't wake up for the next five days.

Day One, the doctor and nurses made Christa and Reiner go home, claiming that they had bent the rules enough for them and they still had blood tests to do on Ymir.

Reiner took Christa home and she immediately showered and came back downstairs to see that Bertholdt, Annie, and Reiner had ordered pizza. She ate with them in a morose silence and they let her know that they were there if she needed to talk.

She didn't.

Day Two, Christa came back to the hospital to find that Ymir's parents were there. Even after knowing the family for years, Christa was always struck by how much Ymir looked like her father. 

The man was standing at the far end of the room by the window as Ymir's mother was standing by the bed holding her daughter's hand. She took one look at Christa and burst into tears before hugging her and thanking her for being there for Ymir.

But Christa hadn't been there. If she had, Ymir wouldn't be laying in a hospital bed.

Day Three was New Year's Eve. She spent the evening with the unconscious girl and her mother. The both even counted down to the New Year. Christa brazenly kissed Ymir as soon as the ball dropped on the television. She looked over at the older woman expecting to see judgment or disgust on her face, but Christa received a warm smile and a caring pat on the head instead.

Day Four, Christa regretted coming back to the hospital. She had stayed up late with Mrs. Goldhull and when she stepped into the hospital room, it was apparent that she hadn't slept since before the new year.  
They both stood silently at the high bed until the woman's husband breezed into the room and announced that he was returning to his work.

At first, Ymir's mother was calm. She asked the questions that Christa didn't dare ask. 

_What about Ymir? Can't you be there for our daughter? Isn't she more important than your damn work? She needs her family, can't you see that?_

But there was no swaying him and her desperate pleading eventually turned into screaming and his firm retorts to shouts. They were removed from the hospital and Christa felt an even deeper pain for Ymir, knowing that when she woke up, she wouldn't even have her whole family to depend on.

Day Five was the day that Ymir's mother told Christa that the doctor and her had discussed the options concerning Ymir once she awakened. 

She would spend a couple of days still in the ICU until the doctor cleared her. Then she would go to the Psychiatric Ward until the doctor once again cleared her.

The part Christa knew that Ymir would fight violently against what her mother planned for her next but in the long run, it was what was the most beneficial for her.

 {~}

Christa came to the hospital the next day and was surprised to see two people already in the room. Mrs. Goldhull was expected but the nurse, however, was not. 

The nurse sat in a high chair next to Ymir's bed so it was just the right height to sit and still watch her. Christa didn't know why she was there but it wasn't the woman that really caught her attention. It was Ymir, with her eyes open.

Christa rushed over to the bed and couldn't contain the smile that came to her face but as Ymir met her eyes the smile faded. Christa silently reached for her hand to hold it but was surprised when she saw restraints on her wrists.

“Wha...?”

“Ymir keeps trying to remove her oxygen mask, so the restraints were necessary,” The nurse explained, “I've been assigned to watch over Ymir so she doesn't hurt herself. I'm Petra Bossard.”

Christa smiled politely at the woman and looked over at Ymir's mother, but the woman only looked sadly at her. Christa tried once more to hold Ymir's hand, but the freckled girl jerked her fingers into a ball.

“Christa,” Her voice cracked and was muffled from the mask on her face, “Why are you here?”

“I was worried about you,” The blonde answered, “I've...been worried for a while now.”

Ymir stared at her for a long time before saying, “Take the mask of Christa. Please.”

Christa shook her head. 

“You need the oxygen, Ymir. It's what's best for you,” Ymir's mother said.

“Bullshit. Why should you care all of the sudden what is best for me,” Was the sharp reply that came back, “You and dad are the worst. Always choosing work and I hate you bastards.”

The woman looked stricken by what her daughter had said but made no rebuttal. It was almost as if she knew what Ymir was saying was true.

“The drugs in her system is what is making her say this,” Nurse Petra told us, “She won't even remember this conversation. Don't take it personally.”

“Shut up, you bitch,” Ymir fixed her with a glare.

“Ymir!” Christa scolded but the petite woman just let out a chuckle.

“Don't worry, I've been called worse by a lot of people who have been in the same situation.”

There was a long pause before Ymir looked over at me.

“You found me didn't you?”

The question hung in the air as Ymir's eyes bored into Christa's. After a moment, she nodded.

“How? I made sure you were asleep. You shouldn't have found-” Ymir couldn't finish as tears started to leak out of the corners of her eyes. 

The sight was too painful for Christa to bear. Ymir had always seemed so strong. She never cried for anything and seeing her laying in a hospital bed helpless and restrained as she sobbed like a child made Christa realize how much pain she was truly in. Christa had never felt so powerless.

Ymir's mother couldn't help but cry as well and quickly left the room to get some air. Eventually Ymir's sobs subsided as she fitfully dozed off. Nurse Petra smiled sadly.

“She really loves you, you know? Before you came in today, she wouldn't stop talking about how much better you made her life,” The woman told her, “She's also doing remarkably well. From what it seems, there will be no brain damage and little to no other health defects.

Christa took the sleeping girl's hand and caressed it. She was so relieved that Ymir would be alright. She would get better with treatment and Christa couldn't be more grateful to Fate or God or whatever that had kept Ymir here with her. She laid her head on Ymir's chest and just listened to the beating of her heart.

The small nurse didn't say anything as Christa silently began to cry, and for that, she was thankful.

 {~}

After that, Christa started having nightmares. It was interesting, she noted, that the nightmares hadn't started immediately. She would dream about losing Ymir in various was and finding her body too late. Her dreams always jolted her awake and while she never screamed, she would wake up gasping for air.

She couldn't help herself to start crying and while she tried to do it as quietly as possible so she wouldn't wake Annie up, who was sharing Christa's room while on Winter break, it didn't do any good.

Christa could hear Annie shift in her makeshift bed before her feet hit the floor. She padded over to the younger girl's bed and sat down on the edge before petting the crying girl's hair soothingly.

“I'm fine,” Christa hated the way her voice cracked when she said it.

“I know,” Annie replied and didn't say anything else as she continued to comfort Christa until she fell asleep.

{~} 

School started once more for Christa. Her parents told her she didn't have to go back right away, but she chose to anyway, planning to visit Ymir after school during evening visiting hours.

Ymir's consciousness was unpredictable and short-lived as she was still recovering. Each time, the nurse told her and the mother that she probably still wouldn't clearly remember their visits. They both had gotten a good tongue lashing from Ymir before she angrily fell asleep a good number of times.

Christa did find out from Ymir's mother that several of Ymir's and Christa's friends had come to visit as well. This brought Christa to the realization that she had not been in contact with any of her friends from school all break and that they had heard from someone else. Christa dreaded the rumors that would most likely be at school when she went back.

Sure enough, as soon as she walked through the doors, she could see several students discreetly glancing her direction before whispering to their friends. Christa usually had no problem with school and always went with a smile on her face, but she was tired and emotionally drained so it was obvious that the school's most popular girl was not going to be in good spirits.

When Christa was at her locker, several of her friends came up to her.

“Christa,” Armin said, “Hey.”

“Hi guys!” Christa responded, putting a smile on her face, “What's up?”

The looked at her with pity and Christa felt an unfamiliar emotion rise up in her chest: anger.

“We just wanted to let you know that we are here for you. If you need to talk or...”

He trailed off and Christa was more than angry now but she didn't let it show. Why would she need to talk? She wasn't the one in the hospital. She was fine. This wasn't about her; it was about Ymir getting better so why the fuck were people worried about her.

She said none of this aloud of course and merely thanked them for their support and suggested they went to class.

It wasn't until almost the end of the day when she felt a hand on her shoulder and looked over to see Mikasa standing there, away from her usual spot beside Eren.

“Mikasa...?”

“Look, Christa, don't bottle yourself up. It's not helping anyone. It's a hard time for all of us so we all need each other. Don't blow off help thinking that its not you who needs it because its obvious you are struggling too.”

Mikasa never really spoke much to Christa but the blonde knew she was right. It was surprising that she was showing some concern for Christa as she only usually seemed to care about Eren. Christa realized that while Mikasa was extremely close with the green-eyed boy, she did genuinely care about her other peers, even if she didn't show it the same way.

She nodded and Mikasa seemed satisfied with this before giving a reassuring squeeze to her shoulder and walking away.

 {~}

After a few more days, Ymir was finally fully conscious and was able to have the restraints and oxygen mask removed. True to Nurse Petra's word, Ymir didn't remember anything since the night she had tried to kill herself.

“Christa, I'm so sorry,” She repeated over and over as she threw her arms around the small girl's waist. Christa didn't say anything but just patted her on the head. 

“Do you still want to die?” She asked after a while. Ymir withdrew her arms and stared down at the bed.

“I...don't want to...die. But I don't want to be alive anymore either,” She replied, “It would have been better for you if I had died, huh? You would have been better off. I'm such a shitty person and you-”

The slap that came resounded through the room with a sharp sound. For a moment, Ymir sat in the bed shocked and Christa was shocked at herself as well. Ymir tentatively raised a hand to her cheek were a red mark was starting to show already and looked up at the blonde in confusion.

“Don't you ever _fucking_ say that to me again,” Christa hissed. All the emotion that she had been holding in was suddenly was overflowing. The dam had broke and she couldn't stop the flood.

“Don't ever tell me that I would have been better off without you. I need you, Ymir! You are a fucking idiot do you know that? I've cried and worried and just...I need you as much as you need me you so don't you think for a moment that I don't love you and would be better off. And it's not just me either! You have other friends that have been worried about you too and have visited you. You are selfish, Ymir, to think that you leaving would be better for people. I just...love you so _fucking much_.”

Christa had been yelling at the beginning but now she sagged over the bed and was sobbing.

“Don't leave me, Ymir, please,” She breathed. She felt a hand patting her on the head.

“Fuck, I fucked up Christa,” Ymir said softly, “I'm sorry. If I have to, I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”

“No!” Christa jerked her head up, “Don't do things to make it up to me. This isn't about doing things to make me happy. Do things to make you happy and that's what will make me happy. Don't use me as your main reason for living, you understand?”

Ymir looked down and didn't say anything but nodded.

A cough from the doorway interrupted them and the both turned to see their various classmates with balloons and some flowers.

“Hey, Freak,” Connie said, “Should we come back?”

“Come on in, Stupid,” Ymir said with a sigh.

There was probably a visitor limit but none of the doctor's said anything as the teenagers crowded into the room. Christa could tell that Ymir was embarrassed to be found at the hospital in her current situation but after everyone started talking and telling jokes, she visibly relaxed. Christa sat on the bed next to Ymir and held her hand the entire time, rubbing circles on the back of her hand until the teens were told that visiting hours were over. They all sighed but left except for Christa who was reluctant to let go of Ymir.

After a moment, Ymir asked the question she seemed to have been holding on to for a while.

“Christa, did you mean it when you said you loved me?”

If Christa had looked at the girl she would have seen a blush that matched her own. 

Christa stared at the floor as she answered, “Yeah, I did.”

Ymir grinned. “I know it's probably a little to early to say this but I really want to go out with you after all of this is over.”

Christa laughed. “Well, until then, I guess its okay to consider myself taken?”

“You bet, babe,” Ymir slung her arm over Christa's shoulders and pulled her into a kiss that lasted for a brief moment before a doctor clicked his tongue impatiently and said that Christa had to leave.

She sighed but left regardless with a promise to come back the next day.

{~} 

“I have to fucking do what?” Ymir yelled.

It had been a week and a half since Ymir had been moved to the Psychiatric Ward of the hospital and she was already pissed off enough before she found out the news that had been kept from her. The other patients in the ward nervously looked over at their table and Christa motioned for Ymir to be quieter.

“Ymir, please. The doctor and I both agree that this is what is best for you,” Ymir's mother said calmly.

“No! I don't need this shit. I'm fine! I promise. Christa, you don't agree with them, right?” Ymir pleaded.

“I do actually. It will be good for you, Ymir,” She answered.

“You guys are fucking overreacting. I don't need to go to a fucking thirty day treatment center. Can't I just go to some fucking therapy sessions instead?”

“Ymir, language!” Her mother scolded, “As your mother, I-”

“Fine time you decided to be a mother,” Ymir muttered. 

The older woman seemed shocked for a moment before saying, “You are right. I can't make up for not being there before but now that I quit my job, I can spend more time being the mother I should have been.”

“Well, it's great a suicide attempt showed you how shitty of a mom you are,” Ymir spat out.

“And that, Ymir, is why we think you should go,” Christa said, “You need to deal with your anger and hurt in-”

“Like I said, fucking therapy sessions would be just as helpful. I'm going to have to go to summer school. I'll be there for my fucking birthday!”

“You were in the hospital for my birthday,” Christa said quietly and she wished she hadn't said anything when she saw the stricken look on Ymir's face.

“Christa...I didn't get you anything,” Ymir said ashamedly.

The blonde looked over at the mother and saw the expecting look on her face. Christa sighed.

“You want to know what I want for my birthday?”

Ymir nodded, not sensing the trap that was being laid out.

“I want you to go.”

Ymir angrily leaned back in her chair and folded her arms. “You guys are fucking assholes.”

She thought for a moment before saying, “Well, I guess it doesn't matter if I say no or not anyways since Mom will still make me go and I'm still a minor. Whatever, fine.”

Christa knew that the only reason she had suddenly decided to go willingly was because of her request but if her request was the gentle nudge to help her get better, Christa was okay with that.

{~} 

A couple days later, Christa found herself in Economics class sitting next to Sasha. Mr. Zakarius had put in a movie that day so naturally, most of the class was paying little to no attention that day. Christa sat mindlessly doodling until she heard whispering behind her.

“I heard she tried to kill herself,” A girl's voice whispered. Christ foolishly hoped that they weren't talking about Ymir.

“Whatever. She thinks she has it so bad 'cause she's a lesbian. Please,” Another girl responded in a low voice.

“She probably won't come back to school. To embarrassing when you failed at dying and everyone knows it.”

“Probably a cutter too.”

At that, Christa stood quickly and whirled around with ever intention of slapping the two girls but Sasha was quick and caught her hand.

Christa's look was murderous as she faced the two girls who wore identical surprised faces.

“Go to hell, you filthy bitches,” Christa spat out before she felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked up to see here teacher.

“Miss Lenz, I'm afraid I'm going to have to send you to the office for that comment,” Mr. Zakarius said sadly. He fixed the two girls with a cold look before walking up to his desk to write out a slip as Christa gathered her things. She took the slip of paper and rushed out of the room.

In the end, all she got was a lecture and an after school detention. Mr. Smith looked concerned for her, knowing that Christa was usually well-spoken and never had an incident before, but didn't press the issue, which she was thankful for.

She didn't know how Ymir was going to handle coming back to school when she did recover completely.

 {~}

The next month passed in a blur. Reiner, Bertholdt, and Annie left for college once more and each of them told Christa to call them if she needed anything. After they left, the house seemed even more lonely with just Christa and her parents.

Christa still had nightmares and she doubted that they would go away for a long time.

Ymir had been moved to Omega Treatment Center and was doing well. She was even allowed to go out of the treatment center for a couple hours each day so Christa decided to take her to a movie and dinner. It wasn't a perfect first date, and it was especially painful to drop her off back at the center, but they both had fun.

All of their other friends came and visited Ymir frequently and this made Christa happy. Ymir would at least know that she had lots of people who loved her and maybe that would help a little.

Ymir did let Christa know that she had been diagnosed as clinically depressed and would have to take anti-depressants. This made Christa nervous because of the overdose until Ymir asked Christa to be in charge of the pill bottle for a while. Christa agreed, knowing it was easy enough since they lived next door and she could just come over to give Ymir her daily dosage.

On the seventeenth of February, Ymir's mother and Christa surprised Ymir by telling her that she had been cleared early and that she could come home. Ymir was overjoyed and quickly packed her stuff to go home. Once they got there, however, everyone was waiting for a Welcome Home/ Birthday party. Ymir wasn't really a party person but she seemed to marginally enjoy herself as she bickered with Connie and Eren.

The whole time, however, she did not let go of Christa's hand and Christa hoped that she wouldn't let go for a very long time.

Things weren't fixed completely, but it was getting there and that was enough for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really think I did this chapter justice considering how long it took me to get it out. However, this chapter made me really emotional as I worked through some of my feelings as well. But either way, I hoped you enjoyed it.
> 
> Now maybe I can get back to my other story that needs updated really badly.
> 
> Thank you guys for reading!


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